#kangar - Life as a parent

I can say that I’ve never suffered from it, but have been on the outside looking in for three people who I’ve leaned on for support throughout my life at varying stages of the illness. I’m not going to name names but suffice to say they are some of the most important people to me that I will ever have.

What’s noticeable from the research I’ve been doing over the past 24-48 hours is that not much focus is put on the people who are involved with the person dealing with depression; be it family, friends or partners. The simple solution is to be there for the person, but that too can be difficult. To be there, you have to understand that this person isn’t the same that you knew before, that somehow their behaviour has been altered and it’s difficult not to be sucked into the same mentality at times; reason being I tend to think that it’s been my fault.

Now I know deep down that simply isn’t the case, but I get this feeling that if the person is unhappy around you, then it’s your fault or at least partly your fault, so you start to feel a bit down yourself thus making the situation worse in the long run.

So what do you do from the outside? Simply ignore it? Behave as if nothing is different even though it quite clearly is? I honestly don’t know for sure, but that has worked for me in the past, so it will work again.

Seeing a doctor was the major comfort; knowing that there is a route cause to the issues which have altered the person’s behaviour means that it can be fixed.

Fixing the issue is half the battle, but I know that what it does it put a marker in the sand. It means that there is a starting process for recovery and that is the most important step for everyone involved.

My new iPhone arrived today and I love it.

Last night I went for a few beers with my Dad. Was a nice relaxing time and ultimately gave me time away from normality.

Oh and Spurs won 4-1. LOVE IT

Take a break.

Even though I don’t drive, that phrase can be used for pedestrians too.

I woke this morning feeling about as tired and run-down as I’ve ever been. Everything I do just seems to take a massive effort.

Ok enough bitching about my life.

So it appears to be taking a rather long time to get my daughter to sleep at the moment. I figure that pretending to sleep myself won’t work.

Urgh, I can’t even make jokes now. I’m off out tonight to watch Spurs vs Bolton with my Dad. Hopefully a few beers and shouting at the TV will help.

After I put on tumblr (linked to twitter - @kangarisntpro) yesterday afternoon that I was ‘back’ and that I’d use this more frequently to disperse the random bile that spews from my mouth, I’ve actually kept to my word, despite the odd twitter response of “Yeah right”.

I’ve been trying to figure out the means of which I should use tumblr, be it a personal blog for me to get things off my chest, or as a means to convey my love of music/gaming and so on; sort of me vs my online persona. I’ve decided the best means is to just run with it daily and see where this takes me.

I’ve actually got it working on my mobile; therefore I can upload videos, photos and general ramblings while bored on lunch at work/ on the train. Well… that’s the plan anyway.

So I’ll get the basics done as this will probably be the first post you properly see, as the ones done before were while I was suffering from what shall now and forever be known as ‘becoming a Dad syndrome’; where the first few weeks all blur into one sleep deprived, food starved wobbly mess. My name is Chris, I’m 24 and the father to a 11 month old baby named Jennifer. I play XBOX (mainly FIFA12 or Call of Duty BLOPS/MW3) when I get some free time and I try to pick up the guitar every now and then to prove to myself that I can still actually play something that vaguely resembles music.

 - What’s going on now Chris?

(I hear you say) - The voices… THE VOICES ARE BACK.

Well, seeing as you (sort of) asked so nicely I’ll go into it.

Since I last did any sort of update, I’ve settled into life as a Dad. It’s been tough at times, but on the whole it’s been a great experience so far. Everyday I learn something new about being a Father or the baby does something completely out of left field that it throws me off (hitting me with a plastic duck for example.)

I’m still holding down the same job as before, working as a systems administrator for a reputable IT firm venturing into new projects, which keeps me busy to say the least. I do however spend more time shouting at people than actually doing my job, but ultimately it keeps me fresh.

I haven’t picked up my guitar for about 3 months. Bloody annoying.

I still game, it’s pretty much my only means of relaxation after spending time with the baby. Also most of my friends play alongside me and with them pretty far away from me; I use it as a means to keep in touch with them.

 - What’s coming up Chris?

Another question? What is WITH YOU? In a couple of weeks I’ve got my daughter’s 1st birthday party. It is a little strange that I’m overly excited for it, I’m not sure if that’s a natural thing as a parent but I really don’t care.

Once that is out of the way, I’m going up t’North with the missus and daughter for a week to enjoy a little quiet time away from London ways. Will be great to hit Lincoln up once again and have a Friday night out for a change!

On the Monday my daughter turns 1. The plan is to hit up the zoo and poke a few animals.

 - Thanks for the info Chris

No prob. Stay in school.

—-

Right on a serious note, I don’t actually know where I am going with this blog/tumblr stuff. Follow/share/mock, I don’t mind. The more readers I get, the better I suppose.

Afternoon peoples.

I haven’t used this in such a long time and for that I apologise.

I promise to start using this to document what is going on from tomorrow ;)

HUGS

So Jen had her first set of jabs yesterday. Screamed a little but calmed. Keeps getting a fever though, thank god for calpol!

She’s not doing too bad at the mo and were praying she gets a good nights rest.

So ill fill you all in (not like that… Dirty bastards) with what’s been happening with little Jen.

For the past couple weeks, she has been spending time with her family up t’north, which is all well and good, just means I’m left behind down in London, which isn’t great but its worth it for Tracys family to spend as much time as possible with her before Tracy finishes maternity leave.

I’ve spent at least an hour a day on webcam with Tracy and Jennifer listening and laughing when I get sent pictures via MMS, which makes it easier for me to get by.

It’s tough spending so much time with Jen and then for her to not be here, so anything that can help is a bonus.

We bought a new pushchair from mothercare. My god that place is expensive! Some of these ‘funky’ pushchairs are about 6-900 quid! Fuck that. We settled for a sale one that came up about 100 cheaper than it should of been.

Tracy and Jen comes home tomorrow. Early birthday present as far as I’m concerned, missing them both like crazy.

Just had a phonecall from Tracy as I type this on my phone, surrounded by train dwelling demons. She said “Jen wants to tell you about her day”. At that moment Tracy put the phone to Jen and I heard a lot of happy and excited noises. Good way to start the day.

Will upload a couple pics I’ve been sent over the last couple of weeks.

Onwards and upwards as some twat used to say…

Ok, nothing too huge has happened the past couple days… 

So it’s just a case of ‘all is normal’.

She’s still looking cute and I watched ‘The Mexican’ (HOW GOOD IS THAT MOVIE?)

That’s pretty much it. 

Love. 

Another day down. 

We got Jennifer registered, so she now ‘officially’ exists. Good to know I suppose. 

Had a nice lunch yesterday in fact, spent it in the registry office then over at Cafe Nero getting a beastly coffee to try and shock some life back into me. Tracy went home with the little one and I sulked on the way back to work. 

I’m not going to bore you with details of my job, but lets just say ‘It was FUCKING busy that afternoon’. Wandered home knackered, ordered my two for tuesday then Jen decided to shit on me…. Tracy shouts:

“HAHA, I know she waits until you get home to do that”.

Yeah… thanks…

Pretty uneventful from there, just took it in turns looking after her and making sure she was comfy before we headed off to bed. I’m actually going to bed the right side of midnight at the moment? The fuck is wrong with me? 

Hugs and kisses 

So I went back to work.

Very busy, hence the lack of posting on here but I am trying to get an update when I can. 

Health Visitor came round yesterday and said all was well with Jennifer (as expected quite frankly.)

Tracy and the little one will be spending next week in Lincoln (Tracy’s hometown) which for all of us is ultimately a good decision. It gives us a chance to catchup on some well earned rest, as Tracy’s mum will help out to give her a break. 

Still… Won’t stop me missing the little one. 

All in all, it was a fine day yesterday. Now time to register the birth!